4/23/03 11:29 |
The day is taking a lot longer than it has to be. It's not even early afternoon, but I feel so tired already. I think my whole body is failing on me. I think it would be great if I could just sleep one whole day alone.
Stuff 4/21/03 08:46 |
I want to breath a little more, I want to resign from my second job, and get a job at Hot Topic. I thought, maybe I should work there on Sundays if they let me. Oh well.
I thought of a million and one things last night while I was waiting for my brothers to get done with fishing. sometimes I wonder why it takes them a long time to finish. I was obviously bored that's why I tried writing on my journal and thought about a lot of things currently going on, and tried to think of the possible outcomes of each. I listened to myself carefully, and it turns out, I have a lot of things to sort.
I started to write on my private journal, about everything that comes to mind and just write out loud. I was basically screaming at the top of my lungs in writing.
One of the things that crossed my mind:
My Family, I thought about several things about our family, and one of them is sadness. I was utterly amazed that we managed to crack a joke even though the night was gloomy last Saturday (Basti's Discussion). Even though sadness encircled us, we managed to stay sane against the painful situation Basti is in.
My jobs, I thought just maybe, maybe I should stop working on two jobs, and start working on three. I don't know if I could get this off, but I think I can manage a small 5 hour shift on a Sunday.
Stephanie, it's hard to admit that I'm slowly giving in to her. I don't really know what's going on, but will not write about the details I have on my private journal. pax steph ;)
Sleep I manage to sleep at least 5 hours a night, and that should give me enough energy until I could recuperate on the weekend. heehee
Plus other minor stuff, starting my credit through Dell (by buying a new PC), thinking of smoking while writing, etc. etc.
4/17/03 17:30 |
My LSS for the day is the song that goes I started a joke, which started the whole world crying, but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no. I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing, oh if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.
Norma, I hate you for this song, ARRGGHHH!! it kept ringing on my ears the whole afternoon.
oh wait, there's another one, i can't remember the song. How could I forget it? it's suppose to be the second LSS. hahah . Right now I'm listening to my usual playlist, Counting Crows, Korn, System of a Down, Nirvana, POD, Adema, Apex Theory, Puddle of Mud, Rivermaya, Pearl Jam, Live, Silverchair, Disturbed, Queen of the Damned Soundtrack, Alice in Chains, Collective Soul, Sound Garden, Chevelle, Socialburn, Mad Season, Mudvayne.. I guess that's about it. I have to get some tracks at home for Otep, Kittie, Bush, and some heavy metal stuff.
4/16/03 17:51 |
It's been awhile since I last had a heart to heart talk with my little brother. Although it doesn't look like a heart to heart talk, I can tell that he wants something inside him out. It looks like a usual conversation, but I learned a lot about my brother's everyday worries, and he learned about mine too.
Earlier this morning, John's girl Christine called, she was stuck in Long Beach. So we basically have to pick her up before I go to work. Me and my brother covered a lot of topics. that's it for now... i'm kinda bored.
4/15/03 09:58 |
People stay in Cagayan,
Cagayan Park View Hotel,
In the middle of the city,
You sleep like a baby,
Cagayan Park View Hotel.
I guess that's how the song goes. haha. The song got stuck last night when we were trying to remember the ads in the Philippines, especially Cagayan de Oro. Funny how the jingle got stuck in my head without even trying to memorize the song.
4/14/03 09:59 |
again another nightmare...
the dream goes...
I can't remember if I was alone, while I was driving down the 91, I saw the skies dark and gloomy. I saw faint light coming from above. There was no rain, but the temperatures and winds were very very cold. I looked at the temperature, oh god, it was a freezing 32° F (0° C).
The traffic was kinda light for a morning, so I was steadily moving at 85mph. (137kph, I assumed I was far from the regular places that I usually go, because of my speed). Even if it was cold, I opened my vehicle's windows, enjoyed the cold breeze and I smoked while drinking coffee.
Suddenly, a minivan, which looks like a Dodge Caravan, swerved from the far right side. The side of the van slammed right to the front of the passenger side of my vehicle. Since I have a Ford F-150 pickup truck (a rear wheel drive), it quickly skidded and turned hitting the wall while the minivan compresses what was left of the truck.
The vehicle rocked and jerked as I tried to fight the collision to prevent myself from getting hit. It was impossible to control since the other vehicle was moving a lot faster that I am. My airbags exploded, but didn't saved my head from hitting the wall. I heard screeching tires, busting glass and screams from the other vehicle. I saw blood slowly trickle down my neck. The glass must have punctured my scalp.
Finally, when the truck hit the wall, I felt myself slamming against the wall and I woke up.
a bitter reminder of what lies ahead, I really don't know what this means, but by the looks of it, it's completely awashed and painful.
10:18 |
Last night was one of the longest night I've ever had.
I drifted to sleep very late, I twisted and turned just to get sleep. I tried to sleep but there's something that's preventing me to do so. It was the first time in many years that I slept with clothes on. I'm so used to being nude on sleeping that I had a hard time pulling myself to sleep last night. I can't sleep nude, because I slept in our living room, we're not letting my sister sleep alone in the house.
I woke up at around 5AM, sweating and short of breath. I had a nightmare.
According to the dream, I was walking on a mall, when a guy close to me, suddenly fell down. I saw vivid images of death. Images that haunted me for the rest of the morning. I saw people dying from being shot.
They were images of war. I never knew that war could affect me this way. It felt so real that I was crying on my inside while I tried to protect myself from harm's way on my dream.
I saw Stephanie (:P) in the dream. I looked at her and for once in the nightmare, I smiled from afar.
Something fell right before my eyes and exploded.
I woke up...
4/11/03 12:28 |
I see light beneath all the darkness enveloping this space. As the watchtowers slowly light the seas, the night slowly moves, not even the stars nor the moon was present. As we speak, the sheer drop of temperature keeps dropping and the winds started to scream.
My stomach starts to grumble, not of hunger, but of fear. Fear of the unknown that's slowly creeping in my veins. Slowly, I trudge on, moving and dragging my body and just keep going. Slowly, dark clouds looms over the towers of light, and further darkens the void.
I can't relate to a happy state, this feelings evolved, I won't let it out, so many words, can't describe my face, creeping the sickness inside
The song slowly injects itself on my skin, as my hairs started to stand, and my blood started to roam faster.
I took my stand upong what I believe is a hollow ground, but death awakens and slowly dethers any life I have left. I silently screamed in pain and took myself to my own inner void. As I speak, the thoughts linger in my head keeps replaying right before my eyes. I weep and cry as I walk alone in the world of hell.
4/10/03 23:47 |
I'm having a hard time sleeping, don't really know why.
I wrote several emails to Raziel... in visaya without using any English word. It was tough, but yet hilarious. My sister told me to stop emailing her in Visaya, 'cause it sounds really funny. hahah Just thought for a laugh trip once in awhile. Yeey my sister is coming over next month. ( " , )
I spent the whole time I was driving home reminiscing the moments. I tinker on the things that I'm going to do, and perhaps to accomodate on things that's tearing me apart. The purchase of the house is exciting, but I wasn't surprise about problems that could arise.
One of the suprises I got this month wasn't really suprising. Perhaps the quality of suprise begins to wind down in our own throats. What could suprise me more? We're getting a house, Basti didn't qualified for the Clinical Trials, I'm working from 7AM to 10PM on Wednesday, 7AM-4PM on Fridays, 9AM-2PM on Saturdays, and the rest of the weekdays are from 8:30AM to 10PM.
Good thing the boss at the other work was lenient enough to let me out by 9, sometimes a little earlier.
Talk about missing someone, I miss my sister Raziel and Rizza. I can still feel how they torture me with the girls that I like, but never really asked out. Oh well, that was before. I miss her too, wish I could be with her longer, but I can't, I mean I never did asked permission from this Cinderalla family. Ahhh the smell of Cinderella family, make sure you'll be home by 12 keeps buzzing in my ear like a bee trying to piss the hell out of me.
I cried in pain, as I weep through the darkness of the hour. Maybe I couldn't keep on living that's why I reject some beliefs that are currently under debate.
14:13 |
Yesterday was one of the most stressful day of my life. We already thought of the worse case scenario, but we were never strong enough not to be in a very emotional state. Sure, working a double job seems stressful, but it's more stressful when you came home one day and found out something.
Basti wasn't approved for clinical trials. All hell broke loose when I heard the news. My brother Joey and his wife Sheila came here because they wanted Basti to have a better medical treatment. We expected him to be included in the clinical trials, but wasn't.
The laboratory tests came back last week, and it tested positive for Pompeii, just was the doctors back at P.I. suspected.
God Bless Us.
Carlo 4/9/03 15:27 |
I started working at the other job, and the work was pretty much ok. I spent my whole day thinking about the work.
This is the third day that I'm working not as Ron, but as Carl/Carlo. I have to use my second name in order to avoid confusion amongst brokers, sometimes even inside the office. It's hard to adjust to using a name your not used to. It'll take awhile before I get completely used to it. Perhaps in a week or so, I will completely adopt and use the name Carlo, even if it's only within work boundaries.
Even now, I kept remembering Purefoods hotdog. She'll go "Uyyy si Carlo!!! He loves me... he loves me not..." while finishing off the purefoods hotdog. Maybe it's only in my imagination that I find the name corny and stupid. haha Oh well...
Haji Boto Files 4/7/03 10:22 |
The elementary school I've been with is a School Laboratory, which means, students from College would go to us and learn how to teach and handle students. At one point, there was this so called "study time" and students with questions regarding the study material would raise their hands and a student teacher would go to them and assist.
I was on second grade and it was "study time." I noticed this cute student teacher from the back of the room, the other student teachers were busy. My friends on my side was snickering, 'cause the book has a part where the topic was "Haji Boto*," it discussed this person clearly. He was a hero with a very funny name in my point of view.
I raised my hand and that student teacher went by my side, while my friends closed their books to prevent her from seeing it (fraidy cats!). She asked, "What's wrong Ron?"
I answered politely, "I was wondering about this person..." and showed her "Haji Boto," with a laugh under my breath. She looked at me and pinched me, "Lain kaayo ka**! hahah." I laughed too.
*boto - penis in visaya
**lain kaayo ka - your bad!
4/6/03 17:44 |
I talked to my previous employer, and she wants me to go back. This has been bothering me eversince. I'm not sure if I should go or not, but several things are clear. One, she really wants me to go back that bad. Two, she's only willing to pay me the same rate as before I resigned. Three, she's still bloody stinky.
17:44 |
It's been awhile since I looked at myself infront of the mirror. Last Thursday, the heat in the office was overwhelmingly high, especially at my desk. I caught a fever later on. I came home looking as if I had the longest day, which is not a long day at all. Work load was comparatively light compared to before.
Basti is still in the Hospital fighting for his life, may the Lord almighty helps us with all the blessings.
4/3/03 15:14 |
Relax...
Take a deep breath...
SCREAM at the top of my lungs while pertaining to silence.
My head won't explode, but I can feel it exploding. My mind is blank, but my thoughts are clear--I'm frying in here. The burning sensation of the sun's heat piercing right through my skin.
I think I even annoyed someone by this, :( I hope not...
fried balls 15:11 |
AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I going insane???? I can't believe my balls are frying and yet I'm still alive. I can't take this heat anymore!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It makes me so annoyed that the temperature went up more than what accuweather.com predicted. It makes me so restless, hell, it even makes my mind go blank. I couldn't give it more than a shot to cool down, it's just too much! I hate the temperature, I hate this. I HATE IT! I think it triggered my asthma back, fuck, I thought I lost it already, but I guess it'll always stay.
I can't breath, I can't hold still, I'm restless and I want to run. Just run somewhere and stretch these legs of mine, and maybe cool off with a dip in a serene lake.
got this from my cuz Nessie, just thought it's fun filling it out and not emailing it out 15:06 |
01. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
depends on the day: Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays my alarm's at 0600, Wednesday and Fridays' alarm would be 0530. On Saturdays, Sundays and Holidays, I usually wake up at between 1000 and 1300. hehehe
02. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Jesus Christ
03. GOLD OR SILVER?
Silver
04. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Irr eversible
05. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
uhhh what TV? I don't watch TV.
06. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
coffee and some grub (bread, pastry or something very light)
07. WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
smelly people
08. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
no
09. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
her
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
american: carlo; filipino: starts with H
11. BEACH, CITY, Or COUNTRY?
country
12. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter
13. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
I don't like ice cream, uhhh wait... I like ice cream topped girls... i mean ice cream topped halo halo
14. FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
Night
15. FAVORITE COLOR?
black
16. FAVORITE CAR?
right now I want the Honda Accord 2004 coupe!!!!!!!!! that's a fucking road kill!!!!!
17. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING?
butter
18. TRUE LOVE?
yes i believe in true love
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?
Hypocrites, too much plasticity, too much transparency... hehehe
20. FAVORITE FLOWER(s)?
black rose
21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO
TELL PEOPLE?
I'd keep it a secret until I get my Bachelor's Degree, maybe tell my older brother so that I could help him with his son Basti.
22. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK?
still water
23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
I think it's beige
24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
seven
25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
somewhere quiet in the Philippines, in some remote island where I can access the internet... bwahaha
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE? IF YES HOW MANY?
no
27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Saturday... it's the only day I can sleep without being disturbed...
28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
doesn't matter, i'm not into wines, give me a gold tequila...
29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
I was working, but we made a party the Saturday after $400 worth of ALCOHOL! WWWWOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO.
30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
huh? what's a donor card? NO I DON'T!
31. FAVORITE ACTOR/ACTRESS?
Tom Hanks/Heather Graham
32. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
None, I just posted this on my homepage, I guess people WILL HAVE TO COPY AND PASTE from here.
33. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK FIRST?
I never sent it back... /:)
4/2/03 15:13 |
This is the first time in my 7 year coexistence with computers that I deleted more than 6GB worth of MP3s. I felt bad about it, but who cares? The company is providing me a new computer. WOOOHOOO Three cheers for the company. The reason was simple, it's impossible to run several graphic programs in this Celeron 500MHz PC. It only has 2MB of video ram, and 256MB memory. I just hope they provided me with a better PC. hehehe
April Fools Day 4/1/03 22:48 |
It's a nice day!
I woke up sooo Late! April fools seem to make the best or maybe worse out of me. hahah First Victim was Tootsie, I told her "Uhhmm... Toots? I'm resigning from -company name-..." She said "WWWWHHHHAAAAATTTT????"
"April Fools Toots" bwahahahahhaha
I came in at the office with a long face, simply because I forgot to set my alarm. Wendell saw me, and he just finished his story. His story was the same as mine, we forgot to set our alarms, hahah. He noticed I was smiling, he asked did something happened?
Then I told him, me and Tootsie are together. His eyes widened, smiled and asked since when? I was silent, he kept on smiling and extended his hand, without slapping his hand I told him. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS! bwahahahahaa he said "putanginamo! haha"
When we sat on our own desks, I announced in the office, "Bree is pregnant!" (Wendell's "girlfriend"). Everybody looked at him and my sister commented, "I don't think that's your baby Wendell." Wendell said, "Yeah, it's mine! that's why I'm getting a condo, since I already have the BMW X5, we've been together for more than a month, already, I guess that's why she's pregnant."
My sister said, "Really? Oh dang Wendell! You're a daddy now!" From the kitchen came Jay, he said "You have a new car Wendell?? Again?" Wendell: "Yeah, I got the BMW X5," Jay: "Oh yeah? Let me test drive it!"
I started going histerical, Wendell too, I said "APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!" hahahahaha Everyone laughed. hahah
Wendell called me up to go with him to Fry's Electronics to get some Printer Cartridges, and we started heading out. My sister followed and said, "I wanna see your car." Everyone laughed, Jay walking out of the kitchen, said "THere is no car!!!!"
HAHAHA so much for April Fools! bwahaha